The 5th Wall

A knight sits atop a majestic white horse. Behind him sits his wife, completely and utterly silent, wearing a large pair of dark sunglasses.

Knight: What a beautiful eve is upon us, my lady! Just look at the oppulence surrounding us, the magnificent beast that stands beneath us, ubiquitous evidence of the slow-moving bureaucracy that fills our coffers so handsomely.....could you imagine any atmosphere more conducive to softening thy loins, on this, the anniversary of our wedding?

Peasant: (yelling obnoxiously) Slag off, knight!

Knight: Excuse me?

Peasant: You heard me, you smug bastard. Slag off! You're acting sucks, you're boring me and your wifey.

Knight: Do you know who I am?

Peasant: Fuck, probably some fuckin' knight, or thane, duke, or some fuckin' classy thing like that.

Knight: Then why would you mock me so? You know I could have your head on a whim.

Peasant: Because you're in a play. 4th wall. You can't touch me.

Knight: If I recall correctly, you plebe, the 4th wall is merely a conceptual term defining the division between audience and stage, and I assure you it has no physical manifestation. (directs horse to rear and kick peasant, who is knocked to the ground) Besides, I never agreed to act in this play in the first place.

Peasant: Ahhhhh, fuckin' hell, Knight, what'd you go and do that for? What kinda actor are you can't handle a bit of heckling?

Knight: Are you drunk?

Peasant: Of course I'm bloody drunk, I'm a peasant at a play, and a shoddy play at that! And if you can violate the concept of the 4th wall, then so can I, watch...

(The peasant grabs the reins of the horse, and the knight struggles to get them back. The horse becomes confused and enraged and the peasant is stomped. Repeatedly. Until he is dead.)

Knight: Crimony! Why must this peasant have tested my will such, on this, the anniversary of our wedding, my lady? This latest happening is not at all conducive to the softening of loins.

Me: Well what the fuck did you do that for?

Knight: Who said that?

Me: I did, over here.

Knight: Well, who are you?

Me: I'm in the audience.

Knight: But the peasant was the only one in the audience.

Me: He was the only one in the audience of the first play. That was the root play of a meta-play. A play within a play.

Knight: What is God's name are you talking about you half-wit?

Me: Well, as we are none creatures living in a vacuum, forever will our conduct be perceived by others, and as such, we are actors in a play.

Knight: Such a metaphor I can abide.

Me: So, these others, they constitute the audience. But, sometimes an actor will "break the 4th wall", leave the stage, and descend into the audience to involve the crowd, in essence making the audience part of the play.

Knight: Ahh, yes, such a wonderful and charitable contribution to the masses, and enhancement of art most grand!

Me: Similarly, sometimes an audience member will heckle, or jeer, or even physically violate the 4th wall.

Knight: Yes, it is a shame, such wretched conduct was the undoing of this insuffrable mess of bones lying just off the stage.

Me: Off your stage. It is still on my stage.

Knight: Stop splitting hairs! Or I might undo you the same way.

Me: I highly doubt that. You will thank your lucky stars that the king finds a way to get you out of this mess. We all know that a good actor should be able to perform his part under even the greatest duress, without breaking character. You allowed yourself to succumb to an outside influence to which you should be impervious. Besides, we are actually separated by a 5th wall. I cannot touch you and you cannot touch me.

Knight: Lucky for you, knave, who would darest challenge the dramatic aptitude of such a noble gentleman.

Me: Lucky for you, too, Knight, because I know people who want to want to hurt you, and probably even kill you. But the 5th wall also shields me from the blood that would be spilled were that fantasy ever realized. And you sir, have real blood on your hands.

Knight: It's not on my hands, knave, it's on my horse's hooves.

Me: Now you're the one splitting hairs, Knight.